Humor Archives

WashPost article on Stephen Colbert's Catholicism

By Michael Fumento

There's an interesting article in the Washington Post about Stephen Colbert's Catholicism, although one does note that he was taught by Jesuits, whose idea of Catholicism is not mainstream. But neither is it atheism.

One thing I say for both Colbert and John Stewart is that agree or disagree with them, they are truly funny. I can't say that for some of the TV and radio show hosts on the right, nor former radio show host Al Franken.

In fact, Franken wasn't even funny on SNL. I was on his show once and he was far from funny there, hardly justifying his $3 million a year contract that helped bring his entire network down. In fact, he said something about my colleague Capt. Joe ("Crazy Joe") in quoting from my article "The New Band of Brothers," that horrified me at the time.

I was writing about my first fight, video of which you can see here though I intentionally blurred it for the sake of protecting the identity of the SEALs, in which Claburn was the only soldier. The others were SEALs. As you can see and hear, it was intense.

I wrote, "As we take fire, Claburn yells: 'Hear them cracking over your head? That’ll get your peter hard, huh?'" To be clear on this, if you hear rounds whistling by it means they're fairly close. But a crackling sound means they're REALLY close. It's only luck that a chunk of lead isn't slamming you in the face. A few weeks later, one of those SEALs was shot right through the mouth and became the first to die in Iraq.

Franken read those words and sneared. But those are the things soldiers say to keep themselves and their buddies sane in what's actually an insane position to voluntarily be in.

Well, now the disparaged Crazy Joe is paralyzed from the waist down. And Al Franken is a senator. And that's how it works.

October 16, 2010 12:01 PM  ·  Permalink

Obama exploits oil spill to boost support for climate bill

By Michael Fumento

"President Obama tried Wednesday to channel public outrage about the Gulf of Mexico oil spill into support for a climate-change bill, seeking to redefine an issue that threatens to tarnish his presidency," according to the Washington Post.
I've written on how absolutely anything, and I do mean anything, can and has been used to show the ill impact of global warming, including:

"That does it! We've got to ram that global warming bill through!"

Brain-eating amoebae, brothels struggle, cannibalism, circumcision in decline, Earth to explode, earth upside down, football team migration, Garden of Eden wilts, invasion of king crabs, Italy robbed of pasta, killer cornflakes, Loch Ness monster dead, mammoth dung melt, opera house to be destroyed, seals mating more, spiders invade Scotland, squid larger, squid tamed, UFO sightings, Vampire moths, violin decline, witchcraft executions.

Now it appears absolutely anything can be used as an excuse to pass climate change legislation. I think we should all help our president by coming up with even more reasons! I'll start it off and you can send your contributions, which I can then post and subsequently hand deliver to our Chief Executive. The best will probably be those that relate in some way specifically to Obama.

  • The pet dog, Boa, piddled the carpet in the Oval office.

  • "Those idiot birthers just won't quit!"

  • "30 Rock" last night was a rerun.

  • Obama saw a cloud formation that looked just like global warming.

  • His organic bread turned green overnight. (No, wait! That happened to me!)

  • "Those damned "v1agra" and "V!agra" emails are getting through the spam filter.

  • Michelle had "a headache" last night.

  • To honor veterans of the Seminole Indian War.

  • Obama had the strangest dream in which cute little bunnies became man-eating snails.

  • They've released another DVD edition of The Wizard of Oz.

    • June 3, 2010 10:32 AM  ·  Permalink

      Darn! No more "Blessed be the snipers . . ."

      By Michael Fumento

      A gunsight maker that imprinted Bible verse numbers on its scopes has announced that it will no longer do so, and will also provide clients with the kits to remove the Bible verse numbers from existing scopes.

      The Michigan-based company, which has a contract to provide up to 800,000 scopes to the U.S. military and provides them to the militaries of other nations as well, prints references to New Testament chapters and verses in code next to the model numbers of its scopes. But it's caused an uproar among Muslim organizations and advocacy groups for the separation of church and state. Said the leader of one of the latter, "It allows the Mujahedeen, the Taliban, al Qaeda and the insurrectionists and jihadists to claim they're being shot by Jesus rifles."

      Well, okay. But where were all these people when in both world wars German soldiers wore belt buckles imprinted with "Gott mit uns" (God is with us)?

      January 22, 2010 10:45 AM  ·  Permalink

      Choice hate mail from a doctor I disgraced on national radio

      By Michael Fumento

      "Mr. Fumento:

      "Somehow you think you know better than everybody else because of your publications and media appearances. [Which he got from my website.] I never even heard of you before today. As much as it hurts your incredible ego, neither have the vast majority of people."

      My response:

      "Thank you for informing me of what the 'vast majority of people' know. From now on I'll skip the pollsters and just go straight to you.

      "You also may not have heard of the moon, but that probably says a lot more about you than it does the moon."

      September 23, 2009 08:47 PM  ·  Permalink

      The Polish Joke May Be Dead but Sentiment Lives On

      By Michael Fumento

      Washington Post item: "Driver Dies After Hitting Pole"

      NOTHING in the story about what happened to the poor Pole!

      August 17, 2009 08:34 AM  ·  Permalink